“Solo De Mi” is a phrase in Spanish and it translates to “Just Of Me.” It is also a title for a song by artist Bad Bunny. The song itself is about a person who just left a toxic relationship and is becoming independent. It’s a song that resonates with me because I had to learn how to love myself before I could love somebody else.
I was in a toxic relationship where the boy I was dating would constantly belittle me on my looks, my personality and every little aspect of my life. I was naive and had always been told nobody would love me because no man had ever loved me enough to stay. So I believed this boy, I believed him when he would tell me he was the only one who would ever love me. I believed him when he told me that I looked like some sort of street clown when I was starting to get into makeup. I believed him because I didn’t believe in myself.
It didn’t help that I felt like I had nobody in my corner. My friends at the time were too busy judging me for staying with him and judging me for trying to better myself. I had nobody rooting for me and telling me that I deserved better than being yelled at and being told I would be nothing more than a stay-at-home wife. I cried endlessly in the last half of that relationship because I was tired of it. I was tired of looking at him and thinking, “Is this really it? This is the only man that will ever love me?”
I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror without crying. I started doing things for myself like going for a jog in my neighborhood and made more time for myself. Of course, he was furious and jealous at the fact that I was giving myself more attention than him. But who else is going to love me more than me?
Eventually, I broke up with him and told him that I honestly was no longer happy with him. Even though he tried to emotionally manipulate me back into the relationship I cut him off. I needed to cut off the part that was killing me slowly in order to flourish. That meant if we saw each other around school or elsewhere I didn’t acknowledge him. His attempts to make me jealous with other girls failed because I had gotten used to him flirting with other girls while we were together and that it was no different afterward.
I stayed single for a year and focused on myself. I took that time to get back into the things that made me happy like writing and painting. I found peace with the fact that I spent nearly two years of my life with someone who didn’t love me the way I deserve but that didn’t mean I would never be loved. I had to start from scratch and pick up all the pieces he chipped away and put them back together. He simply chipped away at pieces that were already broken, to begin with. It was up to me and still is up to me to pick myself up when I fall apart. To this day I continue to try to love myself the way I deserve to be because at the end of the day I am alone. Nobody goes through my life the way I do and I have to be able to be my own person, my own force of nature.